FW: Why we are the way we are – Why Sailors Swear

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Wanted to share the laughter that My son
sent to me

 

—–Original Message—–
 Sent:
Thursday, May
25, 2006
1:10 PM
To: djembe queen
Subject: FW: Why we are the way we
are

 

I thought you guys might like this
one…

 

Peace&Love…

 

…SN Caesar…

 

 

 

Ever wonder why us navy folk are the way we
are?  Check it out, if you lived like this you’d cuss like a sailor,
too! 

 

HOW TO LIVE LIKE A SAILOR:

 

~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray
inside and out, and live in it for six months.

 

~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house
exposed on the walls.

 

~ Repaint your entire house every month.

 

~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall
across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When
you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

 

~ Raise the thresholds and lower the
headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head
every time you pass through them.

 

~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower
every week.

 

~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn
your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays,
turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

 

~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the
ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

 

~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain
about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say
"Sorry, wrong rack."

 

~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance
in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

 

~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5
am
, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille,
reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

 

~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything
she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back
yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.

 

~ Submit a request chit to your
father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before
3
pm
.

 

~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house
and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

 

~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail
for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before
delivering it to you.

 

~ Watch no TV except for movies played in
the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then
show a different one.

 

~ Make your family menu a week ahead of
time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

 

~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing
your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line
for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore
the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

 

~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan
so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

 

~ Get up every night around midnight
and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

 

~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random
times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can,
making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your
socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

 

~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the
pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members
on how fast they respond.

 

~ Put the headphones from your stereo on
your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned
and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

 

~ Place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour
intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

 

~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area,
get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you
become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt
pocket.

 

~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of
budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours
before drinking.

 

~ Have someone under the age of ten give
you a haircut with sheep shears.

 

~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the
front.

 

~ Lock yourself and your family in the
house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to
take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week,
inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the
house.

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